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The Birth of Charlie Part 2

Nov 19, 2020

Luckily we live only minutes from the hospital so I didn’t have to endure a long car ride, but of...

The Birth of Charlie Part 1

Nov 18, 2020

Well my sweet boy, here we are just days before your first birthday and I’m finally sitting down to write...

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About
Hey, I'm Becca

I'm a mother of three, a wife to Steve, a daughter of Christ, a lover of birth, a holder of space, an encouraging whisper, a comforting hand, a sentimental story, a believer in your body's innate wisdom to bring life into this world, and I feel in my soul that you and I were meant to connect.

let’s be friends

We’ve been looking at and reading through our older Chatbooks lately, the kids really love to see their pictures and hear my stories of them that they no longer remember. That was my whole point and hope for this space. To capture and write and print it all out for them. And I used to be so good about documenting our lives and then something changed—maybe social media, maybe me, maybe the faster pace of life as more and more tiny hands have reached for mine has left my fingers without the space to type like I’d like and my mind without reprieve to share what I need—surely a combination of it all. ⠀ ⠀ Point being though, I want to get back to how it used to be. Where I’d share without care of how the photo might “fit” or how the sentiment might be received. Where I didn’t feel the need to work to curate a feed, something I’ve never been great at. Where I didn’t feel pressure to a l w a y s write lengthy captions and share the deepest depths of my heart. Where “likes” didn’t matter and still photos were welcome. Where sharing a simple or mundane line or two felt like more than enough. Where it was all just for us. Our family. And really, for them. And to no ones fault that I stopped, but my own. So I’m giving myself permission to let it all go and get back to where I was.⠀ ⠀ A quick snap from the other night. Charlie at three on a very small, 6 inch diameter side table that I have repetitively told him not to climb on, skipping out on bedtime books with the others in order to be with me, sitting beside me as I nurse Clark, showing me how he’s finally figured out how to do the I love you sign. It’s his over grown shaggy hair beneath a ball cap, with his tongue out in concentration just like his dad, his chubby little fingers that he got into position with his free hand, and his eyes full of pride at his accomplishment that really cement this moment as a forever memory. Parenting him at this stage can feel challenging, his listening skills and my patience in return need work, but his love is so freely given and his joy is infectious. What a blessing he is. How sweet these simple moments are. I love you dearly Chars.
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We’ve been looking at and reading through our older Chatbooks lately, the kids really love to see their pictures and hear my stories of them that they no longer remember. That was my whole point and hope for this space. To capture and write and print it all out for them. And I used to be so good about documenting our lives and then something changed—maybe social media, maybe me, maybe the faster pace of life as more and more tiny hands have reached for mine has left my fingers without the space to type like I’d like and my mind without reprieve to share what I need—surely a combination of it all. ⠀ ⠀ Point being though, I want to get back to how it used to be. Where I’d share without care of how the photo might “fit” or how the sentiment might be received. Where I didn’t feel the need to work to curate a feed, something I’ve never been great at. Where I didn’t feel pressure to a l w a y s write lengthy captions and share the deepest depths of my heart. Where “likes” didn’t matter and still photos were welcome. Where sharing a simple or mundane line or two felt like more than enough. Where it was all just for us. Our family. And really, for them. And to no ones fault that I stopped, but my own. So I’m giving myself permission to let it all go and get back to where I was.⠀ ⠀ A quick snap from the other night. Charlie at three on a very small, 6 inch diameter side table that I have repetitively told him not to climb on, skipping out on bedtime books with the others in order to be with me, sitting beside me as I nurse Clark, showing me how he’s finally figured out how to do the I love you sign. It’s his over grown shaggy hair beneath a ball cap, with his tongue out in concentration just like his dad, his chubby little fingers that he got into position with his free hand, and his eyes full of pride at his accomplishment that really cement this moment as a forever memory. Parenting him at this stage can feel challenging, his listening skills and my patience in return need work, but his love is so freely given and his joy is infectious. What a blessing he is. How sweet these simple moments are. I love you dearly Chars.
2 years ago
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1/9
Clark’s fifth month of life. The month we all sighed a deep sigh of relief when school pick ups and drop offs ended, because not only did it mean more time together, but also no more hours spent daily in the car listening to you cry and scream in protest, bless your sweet little heart. It was also the month we finished planting Clara’s garden and practically lived outside. A month of countless smiles, the biggest always being given to your siblings, and your first giggle. You are such a joy my love.
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Clark’s fifth month of life. The month we all sighed a deep sigh of relief when school pick ups and drop offs ended, because not only did it mean more time together, but also no more hours spent daily in the car listening to you cry and scream in protest, bless your sweet little heart. It was also the month we finished planting Clara’s garden and practically lived outside. A month of countless smiles, the biggest always being given to your siblings, and your first giggle. You are such a joy my love.
2 years ago
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2/9
Clark will be 7 months in a week and I’m three months behind on making these monthly reels. It’s been a lot juggling every day life with four kids, trying to be more present than ever to soak in everything knowing we’re done growing our family and this is the littlest they’ll all ever be, birth work picking back up, working towards the possibility of starting a co-op, navigating the first anniversary of Clara’s loss and honestly a lot of unprocessed grief I didn’t even realize I had, all while being the most sleep deprived I’ve ever been. All that to say, writing and being present in this space has fell to the side, but I miss it, and if for no one else, these reels bring me a lot of joy so I’m trying to catch up. So here is month four. The month I wore my last baby in the Solly wrap, a soft wrap and my all time favorite, for the last time without even knowing it. Luckily that day I happened to take a picture and video, a little gift I’ll treasure forever. Thank you God for all these babies, I’ve never been more grateful😌
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Clark will be 7 months in a week and I’m three months behind on making these monthly reels. It’s been a lot juggling every day life with four kids, trying to be more present than ever to soak in everything knowing we’re done growing our family and this is the littlest they’ll all ever be, birth work picking back up, working towards the possibility of starting a co-op, navigating the first anniversary of Clara’s loss and honestly a lot of unprocessed grief I didn’t even realize I had, all while being the most sleep deprived I’ve ever been. All that to say, writing and being present in this space has fell to the side, but I miss it, and if for no one else, these reels bring me a lot of joy so I’m trying to catch up. So here is month four. The month I wore my last baby in the Solly wrap, a soft wrap and my all time favorite, for the last time without even knowing it. Luckily that day I happened to take a picture and video, a little gift I’ll treasure forever. Thank you God for all these babies, I’ve never been more grateful😌
2 years ago
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3/9
A birth last night meant a later start to our morning and last minute packing. We had a Target pick up on our way out of town. We stopped for a carseat break and to nurse twice. Our three hour drive easily turned to a bit over four, and we listened to crying for longer than I’d like to admit, but we made it! We unpacked, grabbed a pizza, and headed to the beach to enjoy the last bit of golden hour. We drank frosé and watched the kids play. And we all basked in the joy of watching Clark feel the rush of the tide pulling the sand beneath his feet for the very first time. We stayed ‘til it was dark and the kids were up until eleven and I have zero regrets, what a beautiful night😌 Filing this under core memories forever✨
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A birth last night meant a later start to our morning and last minute packing. We had a Target pick up on our way out of town. We stopped for a carseat break and to nurse twice. Our three hour drive easily turned to a bit over four, and we listened to crying for longer than I’d like to admit, but we made it! We unpacked, grabbed a pizza, and headed to the beach to enjoy the last bit of golden hour. We drank frosé and watched the kids play. And we all basked in the joy of watching Clark feel the rush of the tide pulling the sand beneath his feet for the very first time. We stayed ‘til it was dark and the kids were up until eleven and I have zero regrets, what a beautiful night😌 Filing this under core memories forever✨
2 years ago
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4/9
Every time I see my little zen dog, Philippians 4: 4-7 comes to mind. And I’ve written and rewritten a caption at least 10 times trying to say all kinds of things about the verse and it’s application in my life currently and how I hope and pray it can serve you too, but my words just jumble up and bounce around as much as my thoughts do these days. So that must be God’s way of telling me to just let His words speak for themselves as they are surely more life giving than mine. I hope they bless you🕊⠀ ⠀ “4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
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Every time I see my little zen dog, Philippians 4: 4-7 comes to mind. And I’ve written and rewritten a caption at least 10 times trying to say all kinds of things about the verse and it’s application in my life currently and how I hope and pray it can serve you too, but my words just jumble up and bounce around as much as my thoughts do these days. So that must be God’s way of telling me to just let His words speak for themselves as they are surely more life giving than mine. I hope they bless you🕊⠀ ⠀ “4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
2 years ago
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5/9
The bed I designed and Steve crafted, a distraction for us both from the depths of despair after Clara died. The bed I leaned on and labored in to bring Clark earth side. The bed I’ve snuggled him in nightly since he was born. A paper heart that hangs from my lamp and makes shadows dance on the walls from his living sister. The framed paper butterfly that rests still for his sister in heaven. Gratitude and longing. Morning light and baby toes. My treasure is in heaven, but wow this life is sweet in the anticipation😌✨
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The bed I designed and Steve crafted, a distraction for us both from the depths of despair after Clara died. The bed I leaned on and labored in to bring Clark earth side. The bed I’ve snuggled him in nightly since he was born. A paper heart that hangs from my lamp and makes shadows dance on the walls from his living sister. The framed paper butterfly that rests still for his sister in heaven. Gratitude and longing. Morning light and baby toes. My treasure is in heaven, but wow this life is sweet in the anticipation😌✨
2 years ago
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6/9
The first blooms of the season in Clara’s garden and the first butterfly that came to visit, what a gift that she stayed a while. Words fall short of the joy this brings me so I’ll just leave this here😌💜
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The first blooms of the season in Clara’s garden and the first butterfly that came to visit, what a gift that she stayed a while. Words fall short of the joy this brings me so I’ll just leave this here😌💜
3 years ago
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7/9
A year ago we were sitting on the beach, celebrating and praying over Clark’s life together, while I tried to convince you to take the pregnancy test I had packed in my bag for you just out of a feeling you’d need it, you’d find out days later that Wren was newly growing in your belly while we sat there during that conversation. We’d take our first bump picture that week. Our last first bump picture together. ⠀ ⠀ What a gift the past year has been. What a gift to go through a third pregnancy together. What a gift to raise 8 babies between the two of us together, just miles down the road. What a gift all the life we get to live out together. What a gift you are to me! Happiest of birthdays Ash. I’m so very thankful for you and to God for bringing you into my life. You deserve all the happiness and joy in the world! I love you so much!
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A year ago we were sitting on the beach, celebrating and praying over Clark’s life together, while I tried to convince you to take the pregnancy test I had packed in my bag for you just out of a feeling you’d need it, you’d find out days later that Wren was newly growing in your belly while we sat there during that conversation. We’d take our first bump picture that week. Our last first bump picture together. ⠀ ⠀ What a gift the past year has been. What a gift to go through a third pregnancy together. What a gift to raise 8 babies between the two of us together, just miles down the road. What a gift all the life we get to live out together. What a gift you are to me! Happiest of birthdays Ash. I’m so very thankful for you and to God for bringing you into my life. You deserve all the happiness and joy in the world! I love you so much!
3 years ago
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8/9
[1/2] I’ve had some moments lately. I don’t know what adjective to describe those moments as—sad? Gut punching? Heart wrenching? Those are all too heavy. Happy? Heart warming? Special? Those are all too joyous. So simply “moments” seems to work best. ⠀ ⠀ I overheard someone tell a mother that her daughter was her spitting image. Almost instantly I thought how I never have, and probably never will hear that. Evelyn, in all her beauty, looks just like Steve. I wonder if Clara would’ve looked like me.⠀ ⠀ We were watching a show, the nurses name was Clara. I wonder what my Clara would’ve grown up to be. ⠀ ⠀ Just yesterday, I was trying on clothes and the next dressing room over I heard a mom ask her Clara to step out to show her mother her outfit. “I really like this one mom.” “You look beautiful.” I listened to this exchange over and over. An exchange I won’t have with my Clara. ⠀ ⠀ Witnessing sisters, having a sister myself, wondering what Evelyn and Clara’s relationship would’ve been, and missing that for them both.⠀ ⠀ Pangs of longing.⠀ Pangs of sadness. ⠀ Maybe a half smile.⠀ Nothing that’s stopped me in my tracks.⠀ Just, moments. ⠀ ⠀ And then today. Preschool Sunday for Heath. Not our home church, but he was singing in the service so we went. I changed twice before deciding on a dress, I ended up wearing the purple dress I wore for Clara’s butterfly release. After the last hymn they made everyone sit back down. A few weeks back was confirmation Sunday, but one member wasn’t able to be there so they were confirming her today, and her name, Clara Jane.⠀ ⠀ Of all the Sunday’s for her to have missed.⠀ Of all the Sunday’s to make up confirmation.⠀ Of all the Sunday’s for preschool Sunday. ⠀ Of all the places we could’ve been today. ⠀ Of all the dresses I could’ve worn.⠀ Of all of the moments I’ve had lately.⠀ Of all the names in the world. ⠀ And then, of all the prayers they could’ve prayed over her. “Lord, I pray she never knows a step or mere moment without you. I pray that you would use her life to impact others.”
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[1/2] I’ve had some moments lately. I don’t know what adjective to describe those moments as—sad? Gut punching? Heart wrenching? Those are all too heavy. Happy? Heart warming? Special? Those are all too joyous. So simply “moments” seems to work best. ⠀ ⠀ I overheard someone tell a mother that her daughter was her spitting image. Almost instantly I thought how I never have, and probably never will hear that. Evelyn, in all her beauty, looks just like Steve. I wonder if Clara would’ve looked like me.⠀ ⠀ We were watching a show, the nurses name was Clara. I wonder what my Clara would’ve grown up to be. ⠀ ⠀ Just yesterday, I was trying on clothes and the next dressing room over I heard a mom ask her Clara to step out to show her mother her outfit. “I really like this one mom.” “You look beautiful.” I listened to this exchange over and over. An exchange I won’t have with my Clara. ⠀ ⠀ Witnessing sisters, having a sister myself, wondering what Evelyn and Clara’s relationship would’ve been, and missing that for them both.⠀ ⠀ Pangs of longing.⠀ Pangs of sadness. ⠀ Maybe a half smile.⠀ Nothing that’s stopped me in my tracks.⠀ Just, moments. ⠀ ⠀ And then today. Preschool Sunday for Heath. Not our home church, but he was singing in the service so we went. I changed twice before deciding on a dress, I ended up wearing the purple dress I wore for Clara’s butterfly release. After the last hymn they made everyone sit back down. A few weeks back was confirmation Sunday, but one member wasn’t able to be there so they were confirming her today, and her name, Clara Jane.⠀ ⠀ Of all the Sunday’s for her to have missed.⠀ Of all the Sunday’s to make up confirmation.⠀ Of all the Sunday’s for preschool Sunday. ⠀ Of all the places we could’ve been today. ⠀ Of all the dresses I could’ve worn.⠀ Of all of the moments I’ve had lately.⠀ Of all the names in the world. ⠀ And then, of all the prayers they could’ve prayed over her. “Lord, I pray she never knows a step or mere moment without you. I pray that you would use her life to impact others.”
3 years ago
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9/9