The Birth of Charlie Part 2
Luckily we live only minutes from the hospital so I didn’t have to endure a long car ride, but of course this story wouldn’t be complete without some strange event happening. As we’re going through downtown Matthews an old man is crossing the street and your dad is just barreling through, not hitting the breaks and I had to yell at him to stop. His reaction was, “he was going to move”—lol, yeah okay, super glad we didn’t pick up an extra patient to bring with us to the hospital.
We pulled up and I remember looking at the clock and it saying 926am. I tried to get out of the car, but couldn’t bring myself to do it during a contraction so your dad ran to get me a wheelchair. I felt so silly being in a wheelchair though because I had perfectly good legs that worked and I also didn’t want to be the girl who cried labor—again irrational, but that was my labor brain. So he wheeled me to the front door and then I got out and walked the rest of the way in. I remember having a contraction in the elevator up to the floor and trying so hard to not make any sound, tears were welling up in my eyes fighting the pain and all the emotions I was feeling. Typing this I can see how I really need to just not care what other people think and just be—I just like to keep things private though…until I have a chance to write them and then it’s therapeutic for me in that way.
Anyway so I got to the floor, signed my papers and went to the room you would join us in. Tina and Kyla were both there at the desk waiting for me, and another one of my favorite nurses, Mary, was there to help get me settled too. I went to high school with Mary’s daughters and we grew up going to the same pool so it was so sweet to have that long time connection there. Kyla, Mary, and Tina all have such calm, peaceful presences; it was such a blessing to have them there. The atmosphere in the room was so serene that I quickly got over my elevator moment and was able to center myself again. I felt safe and at peace in knowing we had made it to where I was going to be to bringing you into the world so I settled right back down into laborland.
Caitlin arrived shortly after this and bless her, she was amazing. I hardly knew she was there, which is such a gift that someone can be there and contribute to the peace by simply holding space. Mary got my IV going, Kyla sat beside me, occasionally charting while keeping me calm and making me laugh as she has a special way of doing, and Tina waited patiently to see how far dilated I was. I hadn’t been checked up to this point because I feel like exams typically either give false hope or bring disappointment, so I was both excited and nervous to see where I was. I was 8cm with a bag of water right there! After second guessing myself, that moment was one of such relief and confidence in my body. Tina offered to break my water, but I just wanted to follow your lead and honestly I wanted to give you every chance possible to be born en caul. Your heart rate was briefly monitored and it looked perfect so I was out of bed and onto a birthing ball. It was my first time using a birthing ball in any of my labors & it was awesome. It took so much of the pressure off. I remember being hot and Kyla sweetly pulled my hair back in a ponytail for me, but with all my hair I was still so hot so it ended up in bun minutes later. Your dad put on my labor playlist for me and even though I was in transition and the contractions were tough, in the in-between we all sat and talked and laughed as if it was the most normal thing to do. Because it truly was. It was so beautiful.
And as beautiful as it felt and it was, in writing this I asked Kyla if anything stood out to her and she reminded me that Nana called shortly after we arrived & I was working through a contraction while your dad was talking to her and I asked him if he could please move the conversation outside, that one made me laugh. I’m glad I at least said please lol. My senses are so heightened during labor that anything extra took me out of labor land, and the extra voices and all the excitement was too much for my labor brain to process. And let me just say, your dad is so amazing and so supportive, I couldn’t have gotten through your birth without him. I so appreciate that he took the time to update them.
I remember sitting on the ball and starting to tense up and feeling a ton of discomfort in my back so Kyla got me a heating pad and she and Tina took turns holding it there and doing hip squeezes while I rocked on the ball. Eventually I needed a position change so I stood and swayed and leaned on the bed for a while. This was a turning point and it was a lot harder for me to remain totally calm during the peak of the waves. At their strongest I could feel you moving down and it was so sharp and stung. I kept praying over and over in my head for the strength and courage to work with you, not against you, as you moved down. I would do fine in the beginning, but remember starting to feel a little out of control at the peak of those waves and my low sounds turned to high “ow” sounds and I would tense up and grab my back. I knew my tension and pitch were both working against me, but I was having trouble centering myself back down.
At that point I remember your dad, Kyla and Tina all taking turns doing hip squeezes. I remember Kyla suggesting a peanut ball and pouring out encouraging words over how good I was doing. And I can hear Tina saying so softly and encouraging over and over “listen to your body, squat down lower. It’s okay to feel pushy, you can bare down some when you feel that pressure.” And gosh that is just one of the best things about having such a solid birth team, they could intuitively tell what I needed just by observing. And on that note, I love that after that first cervical check I never got checked again, I was able to just work with you and listen to what you were telling me you needed to make your way into my arms.
Back labor was taking over so I listened to Kyla and tried the peanut ball through a few contractions to see if I could get you to turn. Laying down was super uncomfortable though so I pretty quickly switched over to hands and knees on the bed. In between contractions it felt so good to sit back. I think this was you telling me to work with gravity to help you move down.
I went through another contraction like that going from sitting to hands and knees, giving some pressure back at the top of those waves, and when I went to sit back my water broke. It honestly startled me. With Evelyn my water was broken for me after an epidural and with Heath it broke as he came out so I felt him and not my water. With you it was a strong, internal pop and a waterfall of fluid. It soaked everything. My gown was dripping and just sticking to me so we took it off to change it, but that next contraction came before we had the chance and it was time to push.
So side note here, one of the things I did to prep for your labor was read and listen to hypnobirthing books and tracks. One of the tools talked about was at the start of a contraction to count backwards “3, 2, 1, relax, relax, relax.” I’ve got a vivid memory here of the contraction after my water broke, my eyes being closed, doing that relaxation technique in my head, getting through the first “relax” and thinking screw this, haha! I gave a big push and my eyes opened. I notice I was unusually shaking and feeling unbalanced, so in trying to figure out why, I looked down to see that while I thought I was putting all my weight on the bed and giving the death grip to the sheets, it was really your sweet dads hand, supporting me mid air.
I knew it was time to push and I felt like I was losing control and I remember looking at your dad and saying I was scared and that I didn’t think I could do it. I remember he, Kyla and Tina all chimed in that I was doing great and that I could do this. In that moment I also remember Mary was back in the room and she said “don’t be scared, that’s your baby.” Ugh just the best. That’s one of my favorite things to encourage women with in labor, because it’s so true and such a good reminder in those final challenging moments, so to have it said to me was exactly what I needed in that moment.
A lot after this is a blur because it got really intense. Luckily though, before we got to the hospital one thing I prepped your dad with was that at some point I would probably say I didn’t think I could do it—almost everyone going unmedicated doubts themselves at the end—and that when I said that I wanted him to turn the video on and set it down so we could forever have your first moments on tape. I would’ve loved to have had a videographer, but it wasn’t in the budget, and I didn’t want your dad to miss your first moments by worrying with getting a video, so the next best thing is having an audio of us hearing your voice for the first time and finding out you were you. This is the point he turned the tape on.
I flipped over because the push on my hands and knees was not comfortable. It actually felt good lying down to push because the bed gave good counter pressure on my back. I got a long 2 minute pause in my contractions where I asked if everyone could see your head. Tina said “yep, he’s right here”, and Kyla said “actually it’s a girl and her name is Penelope!” and I was able to laugh. We still didn’t know if you were a girl or a boy, and had you been a girl I really liked the name Penelope and wanted to call you Penny for short. Your dad did not like that name at all though so it wasn’t on the table, but Kyla was still trying to advocate for me. She’s really the best. That moment was so refreshing and helped me relax deeper than I had been. It focused me back on you and not the intensity and exhaustion.
Then I got hit with a really strong contraction, I pushed, I moved you down really well, then my legs started killing me, and I started to lose control. I hate to describe labor as pain, because even with the pain I still feel it’s far outweighed by the beauty and miracle of it all, but it was painful. My focus was no longer on meeting you, my belly, my back, or my perineum, all I could think about was my legs. It truly felt like they were being ripped off my body while simultaneously having the worst muscle cramps ever. I remember Renee, a wonderful scrub tech massaging my legs to help.
I cried out that everything hurt and that I needed someone to please help me. Kyla looked at me and in the softest, most kind voice, told me “I know you think you’ve lost control, but you haven’t, the head is right there.” And geez that just makes me cry!! Going into labor I knew I wanted to go unmedicated, I needed to for myself after your brother’s delivery, but the scariest part to me about going unmedicated was the thought of losing control again. I really lost it with Heath when everything happened so quickly and that loss of control was what made that experience a bit traumatic for me. I wanted to work with you and my body as a way to heal. I told Kyla this prior to going into labor and so for her to recognize that and know what I needed in that moment, gosh, just all the feels over that.
Truly everyone in the room was so encouraging and telling me how close you were, but the pain seemed never ending so they encouraged me to feel your head. I reached down to see exactly how close you were and that gave me strength to keep going. I pushed, and again, I wish I could say I was so quite and breathed you out gently, but as your head came out I screamed and said “Thank you God!” I looked down and could see your sweet little head of red hair, and then, 4 minutes after my water broke, on Saturday the 27th of April at 11:10am I pulled you out the rest of the way and straight into my arms.
And gosh, that moment.
That moment I pulled you out is honestly indescribable. It’s an image I have forever frozen in time of your arms emerging, reaching up and out towards me, caught half way between earth side and womb side, not yet knowing who you were; the pain totally leaving me and being overcome with joy and thankfulness. It was one of the four best moments in my life! I felt like I was living in slow motion and Tina said “Amazing mama!! What do we have?” and I pulled you out the rest of the way and said “A boy! A boy! We have a sweet baby boy!” And your dad smiled the biggest I’ve ever seen him smile.
All along I told everyone I thought you were a girl, because that’s what my gut said. However, at my anatomy scan when the tech told me to look away so she could find out your gender I heard three key strokes. I didn’t know she’d be typing anything, but I thought surely since we weren’t finding out she’d type either “boy or grl” so the strokes would match. And then one time I didn’t get to see Tina at an appointment and the physician came in and said “Whoa, homeboy is way up in your ribs.” Both things were totally innocent, but together I had my suspicions. I didn’t tell anyone though because I didn’t want the surprise to be ruined. And even though those two things happened I stuck with my initial gut feeling of girl, so I was still a bit surprised, but nothing like your dad was. And seeing his face was truly one of the best moments. He was so, so, so happy. I kept saying “A boy, a boy. Hi little buddy, I can’t believe you’re real, you’re amazing. I love you so much.” And for two minutes no other words were spoken, your dad I just looked at each other and laughed, and cried, and kissed, and it was all so perfect. YOU were perfect. So incredibly perfect.
The last few minutes of labor prior to you joining us were so intense though. In my head they felt so loud, so chaotic, so overwhelming and powerful. And then having you in my arms was instantly peaceful, calming and quiet. Birth is so beautiful in that way. It’s as if God allows heaven to momentarily come down into the world as you leave the womb. And those loud, intense deliveries, like ours, followed by immediate, overwhelming, all encompassing peace, just further highlights that heaven and earth overlap, even if only for a breath. I breathed that moment in for all that it was worth.
…then I apologized for yelling like a crazy person. We all laughed, your dad kissed me and told me I was amazing, and we all went back to enjoying the miracle of new life.
Initially I’m not sure who cried more between you, me and Kyla. There was even a point later on after everyone had left, where it was just the four of us. Everything was quiet and your dad and I were just admiring you. Sweet Kyla was sitting with us at the computer charting and your dad caught her crying again. It made us all laugh, she has the biggest, more joyful, compassionate heart! And wow, what a blessing it is to have such a wonderful friend who feels and loves and celebrates so deeply with us. Mary was there too commenting on how beautiful you were and how I was made to be a mother, which is truly the biggest compliment, because being a mom to you and your siblings is my greatest joy in life. And sweet Tina, stood smiling, so calm and peacefully, telling me how great I did and just let me enjoy you skin to skin for 23 minutes before your dad cut your cord.
And in that time I held you, soaking in all we had been through together in the past 12 hours and the 256 days that preceded them—all the beauty, the joy, the magic, the empowerment. The gift that you were, that you are! I couldn’t stop rubbing your head and your skin, it felt like the smoothest, richest velvet. I truly don’t think I’ve ever felt anything softer. I sat in awe of the fact that moments before we had been one, and now your fingers grasped mine as you gazed into my eyes. I know I keep saying it, but those moments were so tranquil. I felt like I had all I would ever need in life. It’s honestly odd for me and something I’m still trying to wrap my head around because I’ve always said I see us with four babies, but I feel complete with you. I’m hopeful there’s another life waiting to join us, but if not I have full confidence in saying that I have all I need in God, you, your brother, your sister, and your incredible dad.
And a little side note here. I couldn’t figure out how to weave this part of your story in smoothly, but maybe that’s because it’s supposed to stand out here like it does in my mind. My labor playlist had been on shuffle since we arrived, when your dad turned on the video the song Trust in You by Lauren Diagle was on. That’s the song that carried me through my miscarriages with your two siblings before we got Heath. Following that song, in the pause of my contractions, the song In Christ Alone by Sarah Reeves was on. That’s the song that carried me through losing Lemon. And then, gosh the tears and chills are so strong just typing, the song I pulled you into the world to was Mother Like Mine by The Band Perry. That song is Lulu, my mom, personified. I cry every time I hear it, thank God for mom, and pray that I can be even just half as good of a mom as she is. I just think your arrival with those three songs, and in that order, was such a God wink. He is so good.
After your cord was cut and your placenta came out I bled a bit extra, which was a somewhat scary because Lulu hemorrhaged really badly after me so that’s always in the back of my mind. Everyone in the room was so calm though and I knew I was in the absolute best hands. I just focused on you and things turned out perfectly, which again is just a testament to God’s hands being all over that day.
We called Grumple and Susie, and we face-timed Nana who was with Lulu, Papa and your siblings. We didn’t tell them you were you because we didn’t have your name picked out yet and we wanted them to find out you were a boy in person because everyone thought you were a girl. We did say that you had red hair and blue eyes just like Evelyn and your sweet sister said “Mommy! I prayed this baby would have red hair and blue eyes like me!” That moment was priceless. Goodness she is the sweetest! She adores you and you love her back equally.
At the time your name was supposed to be Fitz, we still love that name and maybe baby four will be Fitz, but it didn’t fit you and neither did the other top three names we had picked out for you so we went through Heath’s list of names. Heath was almost Charlie and your dad I both still really liked that name and it seemed to fit you perfectly. We went with Crowder after Lulu’s mom, who was an angel on earth, just like Lulu, and loved us all so well while she was with us. I wish she could meet you now, she’d love you so, but I am confident she surely loved on you in heaven before we could.
You nursed beautifully, we snuggled more, and then I gave you a bath and got you dressed. Caitlin was so amazing and offered to come back to the hospital that evening to get pictures of you meeting your siblings for the first time. That was such a gift because they are some of my all time favorite pictures. You slept through most of your first meeting with your siblings, but boy they love on you and were so gentle. Seeing Lulu, Nana, and Papa all find out that you were a boy was so special and so worth keeping it a secret for the almost 6 hours they had to wait. Together we toasted champagne, ate guacamole, and thanked God for the precious gift of your life.
Today you turn one. It has been the fastest, most wonderful year of my life. I still miss Lemon, and our other two babies in heaven, every day. But had we not lost Lemon we wouldn’t know you, and that’s a thought I can not bear. You bring us never ending joy little man. I know God has great, wonderful, big things planned for your life and I can’t wait to watch. It’s a privilege to be your mama. I love you so sweet boy. Happy first birthday.
